You may have seen an email going around with “Nine Things That Will Disappear in Our Lifetime.” The message says the changes may be good or bad, depending “in part on how we adapt to them,” but it dooms to the dustbin (along with dustbins):
The post office, checks, newspapers, books, telephone land lines, music (illegal downloads and greed in the music industry are to blame), the television set, the things we “own” (such as downloaded music collections, which will be in the cyberspace cloud) and No. 9, privacy — as if there were any left.
We of a certain age can easily add another nine or 19 items. (Maps and the ability to read them. Good penmanship. The response, “You’re welcome,” which has been replaced with, “No problem.”) But the list of the doomed got me to thinking in another direction:
Nine Things That Will NOT Disappear in Our Lifetime (at least in the United States)
1. Diapers and Toilet Paper — Technology has not led to any better method for containing or cleaning up after the last stage of the human digestive process. We have aloe vera and velvety fibers woven into our quilted or crosshatched TP; diapers can be cloth or disposable with built-in “wetness indicators” in sizes to fit every body from preemie to linebacker. But the basic approaches are the same as they’ve been for hundreds of years — and a growing population needs more.
U.S. consumers buy about 26 billion rolls of toilet paper each year — some 50 pounds of TP per person. As for didies, babies require nearly 3,700 to 4,200 each before they are potty-trained — and U.S. parents take far longer to housebreak their kids than do Europeans or Asians. Adults, meanwhile, use about 38 million diapers each year and that number is expected to grow to 45 million by 2020.
2. Dieting — It’s a $61 billion a year industry. Most of us have been on at least one and most of us ended up reclaiming what we dropped. (Humorist Jane Wagner’s great line: “I’ve lost and gained the same 10 pounds so many times, my cellulite has déjà vu.”) Rumors of magic pills or devices abound, but they are just rumors, especially given the way Americans eat.
3. Trash/Garbage — Through aggressive and mandatory recycling and composting, a few forward-thinking, green U.S. cities have minimized the volume of trash that ends up in landfills or on floating barges. Most places and people, however, still dump obscene amounts of material into bins, cans and country road ditches.
The EPA’s estimated annual tonnage of U.S. trash: 250 million. Likelihood in an economic slump of expanded mandatory recycling and composting in most cities: (my estimate) Zero.
4. Leaves and snow — Climate change notwithstanding, they will never disappear on their own.
5. Over-the-counter Acne and Anti-Aging Treatments — Dermatologists can tell us repeatedly that — with the exception of sun block — most of what we throw at our pimply or wrinkling skin is ineffective. We don’t care. We don’t hear them. U.S. consumers spent $350 million in 2010 on over-the-counter acne products, and a staggering $20 billion on anti-aging serums.
Promise us the clear, creamy complexion of a professionally made up or photoshopped model, and we buy by the boatload. We ignore science, particularly if we are still in tanning-bed denial. As long as there are humans who aren’t happy with their face, the bottom will never drop out of the do-it-yourself skin care industry.
6. Retail Therapy — Yes, we are in a prolonged economic downturn. Yes, unemployment hovers at 9 percent and most Americans’ wages are stalled or heading backward. No, Black Friday and the ensuing 29 shopping days do not produce as they once did. Yes, Americans finally are saving some money and (slightly) lowering their credit card debt. But abandon the real national pastime?
This is a nation in which consumer spending accounts for 70 percent of the domestic economy, a country whose citizens were advised by their government after 9/11 to show their patriotism by going shopping. And Target opened at midnight after Thanksgiving 2011.
7. Mood Altering Substances (Legal and Il-) — We may have the highest standard of living of any people who’ve inhabited Mother Earth, but we also are an unhappy, anxious, sleep-deprived, distracted, unfulfilled, oblivion-seeking lot. And we tend to combat these states by ingesting things that will tweak — or transform — our state of mind.
Whether it’s a quart of Jack Daniels, home-cooked meth or scores of available mood-altering prescription drugs, our need to mitigate or escape our misery should ensure the long future of Big Pharma, the liquor-beer-wine industry and the neighborhood pusher.
8. Sports Metaphors — Pro football teams may go 0-10, the NBA may argue itself into non-existence and baseball may become the purview of the terminally nostalgic, but sports lingo will not soon disappear from the English language. Just the clichéd “Step up to the plate” and “Level the playing field” can keep sports metaphors alive through the next 200 years.
Not to mention: “No harm, no foul.” “It’s a marathon, not a sprint.” “Swing for the fences.” “He (she, they) hit a home run (or grand slam).” “Hail Mary pass.” “Three yards and a cloud of dust.” “Drop back and punt.” “On the ropes.” “Down for the count.” “Out in left field.” “Neck and neck. “By a nose.” “Into the homestretch.” “Rounding third.” “Strike out.” “Take one for the team.” “Goal line stand.” “The whole nine yards.” “For all the marbles.” “Game changer.”
9. Balkanized Christianity — We proclaim ourselves, “One nation under God,” but that’s pretty much where the unity ends. From ancient denominations to newly minted storefront sects, it’s a vigorous game of “My God’s better than your God.” Unless the American Civil Liberties Union is involved as an adversary, Christians are about as united as Congress in word, practice and paths to salvation.
The Bible? There are more than 75 published versions of it in North America, alone, not to mention myriad (and conflicting) interpretations of chapter and verse. Perhaps if a Mormon is elected president, all will be well. Congress and Christians will come together as one and … oh, never mind.
In the meantime, the following email address is now open for further submissions to Things That Will NOT Disappear in Our Lifetime.
Stephanie Salter can be reached by email at SalterOpinion@gmail.com.
Stephanie Salter
STEPHANIE SALTER: Times change. Things disappear. Toilet paper here to stay
- Stephanie Salter
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STEPHANIE SALTER: The more things change, the more they … change
What the late, great Pittsburgh Pirates slugger knew, so knew the ancient philosopher, Heraclitus, the Buddha and Andy Warhol.
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STEPHANIE SALTER: Making room for the least among us — and their kin
Christmas. Quiet time. Down time. Not exactly the kind of day most folks tend to contemplate their fellow Americans behind bars. And yet, the United States leads the world in percentage of population in jail or prison, far ahead of second-place Russia. About 2.3 million people — nearly one in 100 adults — are incarcerated in this country.
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STEPHANIE SALTER: Carols for the worn, weary and wigged out
For those who are agog and aglow with “the season” — you who start bouncing and humming in Toys R Us at the intro guitar notes of “Jingle Bell Rock” — better search elsewhere for a soul mate.
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STEPHANIE SALTER: Times change. Things disappear. Toilet paper here to stay
You may have seen an email going around with “Nine Things That Will Disappear in Our Lifetime.”
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STEPHANIE SALTER: What I learned on election day
When I identified myself as a volunteer for the non-incumbent mayoral candidate, the woman on the other end of the line cut me off. “Save your breath, dear,” she said.
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STEPHANIE SALTER: Of politics, protests, coupons and e-wishes
It’s roundup time again, that periodic hunting down and herding together of items that have but one thing in common: They grabbed me.
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STEPHANIE SALTER: ‘Understandable’ not the same as ‘wise’
Because I’m not running for office and don’t plan to, I figure I am free to publicly question the designation of some 30 stretches of city streets as “memorial ways” for police and firefighters killed on the job.
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STEPHANIE SALTER: Where have all the protest songs gone?
A telling moment came during the annual Eugene V. Debs award banquet late last month, when the career protest singer and songwriter, Anne Feeney, implored a huge Hulman Center audience to join her for the refrain of “We Shall Not Be Moved.”
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STEPHANIE SALTER: It’s business as usual, but what does it cost to stay angry?
As painful and profoundly sad as the 10th anniversary of 9/11 has been, I found the actual day a balm.
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STEPHANIE SALTER: The unfortunate bottom line … St. Ann’s will close
Ever since word came down that St. Ann Church and Parish have less than a year to live, there’s been much invoking of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ five stages of grief.
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STEPHANIE SALTER: The Economy: One complex, thorny, bedeviling issue
No matter how much time and energy I spend trying to understand the Hydra we blithely call “The Economy,” I often worry that its mystery will forever elude me.
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STEPHANIE SALTER: Thinking, now and then, about now and then
I am lying, poolside, in a plastic chaise lounge, listening to pop music and watching water droplets dry on my skin.
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STEPHANIE SALTER: Thousands of things she would have missed
For several years, until she received an official information packet in the mail, my mother planned to donate her body to medical research.
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STEPHANIE SALTER: Marriage? There’s an app for that ... but it’s tricky
As I watched all the happy people celebrating passage of New York’s same-sex marriage law, I couldn’t help but project to a time when Indiana adopts a similar statute.
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STEPHANIE SALTER: Back in the saddle — with the usual burr under it
I really didn’t expect to be gone nearly six months, but then, that’s par for the course these days: What I expect to happen and what actually occurs are often about 180 degrees apart.
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STEPHANIE SALTER: On the other hand … we’ll have a lot fewer leaves to rake
Editor’s Note: Former Tribune-Star Assistant Editor Stephanie Salter’s column resumes today in freelance form and will appear on this page every other Sunday.
TERRE HAUTE — My neighbor, Andy, had just lowered the bamboo blinds on his front porch when we heard a mournful sound. -
Memorable victories
This was about as much fun as a doubleheader split could get for Rose-Hulman’s baseball team.
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STEPHANIE SALTER: Another batch of my status-quo-defending misinformation on schools
The day after state schools chief Tony Bennett responded to my three-column education series, a longtime friend and veteran teacher called.
“I just read the superintendent’s rebuttal in the Tribune-Star,” my friend said. “All I can conclude from it is that you are a dumbass. Welcome to the club. Anybody who doesn’t buy into his vision of education reform is considered a dumbass.” -
Stephanie Salter: One person’s roundup of significant folks lost in 2010
Every late December, as I comb through lists of notable deaths, I swear I will never repeat the process. It takes days of Internet research, mostly because I get distracted by looking up people about whom I know nothing.
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Stephanie Salter: I've got some really good news for some of you guys
Of all the sentences I’ve imagined writing in my long, moss-covered newspaper career, this is not one of them: I am quitting my job to get married.
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Stephanie Salter: A little history of mandated intermingling among U.S. troops
Back in July 1948, when President Harry Truman signed Executive Order 9981, predictions for its effect on the U.S. military were dire. Sen. Richard Brevard Russell Jr. of Georgia echoed the sentiments of millions of Americans in an address from the Senate floor.
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Stephanie Salter: Another wronged woman becomes the nation’s paper doll
A few hours after the death of Elizabeth Edwards last week, the creepy, contemporary American ritual of vicarious grieving began in cyberspace.
“You are with your son now. Rest in peace.” -
Stephanie Salter: You’ve heard from me — now, listen to the teachers
As e-mail from Indiana teachers and principals continues to pour into my box, the portrait of this beleaguered group grows more poignant each day.
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STEPHANIE SALTER: Have you heard Indiana’s schools are failing? It’s a lie
In Gov. Mitch Daniels’ recent state budget PowerPoint, he put up a comparison chart: The percentage of Indiana public school students who’ve attained an advanced level of math achievement versus “the world.” Hoosiers lag behind the national average, trailing such states as Massachusetts, Oregon and New York, and such nations as Poland and Latvia.
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Stephanie Salter: Bashing teachers in the name of education reform
As I read the Tribune-Star’s recent Page 1 news packages about the governor’s push for education reform, I kept seeing faces.
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Stephanie Salter: After the turkey and before the pie, a round of giving thanks
As my colleague Alicia Morgan wrote last week, there is no downside to taking time out now and then to list and truly appreciate our blessings.
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STEPHANIE SALTER: A story of just one corporate lobby ‘investing in advocacy’
For those of you who know in your marrow that the president’s attempt to overhaul the U.S. health care system proves his socialist agenda, take the day off. What reporter Drew Armstrong of Bloomberg News shared this past week will be of no interest to you.
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Stephanie Salter: Inside today’s grab bag …: Stamps, bands and GOP $$$
It’s time for another roundup of items, little ideas that can’t grow big enough for a whole column, but just won’t go away from my field of focus.
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Stephanie Salter: Can’t make a decision? Consult strangers on the ’Net
A day after I heard screenwriter and director Nora Ephron talking on NPR about that moment in the aging process when you realize you are no longer cut out to be au courant, that moment arrived for me.
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Stephanie Salter: The years may pass, but a friend will always ride shotgun
I should have known there would be a first-aid kit. Susan provided for every contingency.
How like her to have tucked a 106-piece, American Medical Association-approved kit under the passenger seat of her Honda Accord. How like me not to have discovered it until I was deep cleaning the car to get it ready to sell. - More Stephanie Salter Headlines
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STEPHANIE SALTER: The more things change, the more they … change
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American Held in Grisly Czech Murders
Raw: Texas Deputy Shot by Colo. Suspect Honored
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First Person: Mom Discusses Famous Tornado Photo
Obama:Sexual Assault Threatens Trust in Military
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Two Suspects in Murder Known to London Police
New Wheelchair Lift Promises More Access
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Johnson: Don't Blame Islam or UK Policy
AK-47-wielding thug may be the most bumbling crook ever
Oklahoma Survivors, Heroes Survey Damage
Trout's cycle a boost for Angels
Raw: New Video of Deadly Oklahoma Tornado
Kim Kardashian Flaunts Pregnant Bikini Body in Greece
NBA star pledges $1M to help tornado recovery
Shakira's Shocking Talent
Morgan Freeman falls asleep on air
GRAPHIC: Blood-Soaked Machete Killer Caught on Tape
Elin Nordegren Furious With Lindsey Vonn For Parading Kids in Public
Camera Captures Climber As He Loses Grip And Falls
Helen Mirren Meets with Dying Boy in Queen Elizabeth's Place
Crowd Chants '¡Si, Se Puede!' After Passage of Immigration Bill
DWTS Crowns a Winner
Police Ram House to End Hostage Standoff
Demi Moore a Rocks Bikini at Harry Morton's Family House
Anthony Weiner: I'm running for New York City mayor
Kate Middleton's Dress Flies Up
VIRAL: Baby makes epic soccer goal
The Hangover Baby All Grown Up
