STEPHANIE SALTER: Carols for the worn, weary and wigged out

Stephanie Salter

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December 11, 2011

STEPHANIE SALTER: Carols for the worn, weary and wigged out

Stephanie Salter The Tribune-Star The Tribune Star Sun Dec 11, 2011, 05:00 AM EST

For those who are agog and aglow with “the season” — you who start bouncing and humming in Toys R Us at the intro guitar notes of “Jingle Bell Rock” — better search elsewhere for a soul mate.

But you who find “the holidays” about as warm and fuzzy as the presidential election season — you who suspect that, any day now, a dollar bill will replace Baby Jesus in the manger — perhaps you’d care to have a seat and sing along.

(To the tune of “God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen”)

God rest ye, merry Christmas songs

Ye bring me such dismay

Ye start in stores and shopping malls

Before Columbus Day

Ye make me think of Satan’s pow’r

To drive the sane astray

Ye-ee rob me of comfort and joy

Comfort and joy

Ye-ee rob me of comfort and joy

(To the tune of “Rudolph, the Red-Nose Reindeer”)

Rudolph, the blow-up reindeer

Puffs to life each night at dark

Followed by Santa, sleigh-bound

You can almost hear his “Hark!”

All of the other reindeer

Rise in perfect symmetry

Long as the juice keeps flowing

Yea for electricity!

But a caution you should heed

Always pay your bill

Or the crew won’t leave the ground

They’ll lie in a soggy mound

Then watch the neighbors shun you

How they’ll shout it out with glee

“What dork keeps blow-up reindeer,

“Without electricity?!!”

(To the tune of “Hark!

The Herald Angels Sing!”

Hark, the card swipes beep and ring,

Racking up all sorts of bling

Shoppers bold and shoppers mild

Fear not debt, they’re reconciled

Who cares how they’ll pay the bi-ills?

All that counts is shopping thri-ills

Bargains are the Holy Grail

Next month’s the time to weep and wail

Hark! The card swipes beep and ring

Buy now, pay later for the bling

(To the tune of

“O, Christmas Tree”)

O, Amazon, O, Amazon

Your wares are truly tempting

But, Amazon, O, Amazon

The process is ferklepmting

Your virtual aisles, all packed with goods

Entrap me in just “shoulds” and “coulds”

There’s so much stuff, the mounds confuse

I’m paralyzed, I cannot choose

(To the tune of “Jingle Bells”)

Ninety-nine, ninety-nine

That’s my group – yo ho!

Percent-wise, we own the game

As we spend our Christmas dough-oh

But the folks with the clout

Those the most content

Make us look like puny ants

They are The One Percent

(To the Tune of “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear”)

It came upon a midnight clear

At the end of Thanksgiving Day

Box stores wide open with lights ablaze

And discounts that prompted a fray

The toys, the flat screens, the DVDs

At prices that made our whole day

But next year we could do without

The woman with pepper spray

(To the tune of “O Little Town of Bethlehem”)

O little mall with shops galore

How still we see thee lie

Close by the highway exit ramp

Where cars and trucks go by

Your jewelry stores do shineth

Your food court satisfies

Your Body Shop and Baby Gap

Inspire and mesmerize

(Verse II)

Of course it’s true your bookstore’s gone

But who reads anyway?

More room now for athletic shoes

And sexy lingerie

There’s Penney’s still and Macy’s

Claire’s, Sears and Sunglass Hut

The Hallmark and Merle Norman stores

Will always make the cut

(Verse III)

O Little mall, you draw us all

In droves each holiday

Your bright lights and your perfect temp

Keep fear and dread at bay

These times are tough, no doubting

Our job growth’s at a stop

Yet we’re all patriotic souls

We’ll shop until we drop

(To the tune of “Silent Night”)

Silent night, peaceful day

Everything is now OK

’Round yon Wendy’s and Burger King

From the speakers, no more they sing

Carols, Yule tides and elves’ tunes

Christmas is over, at last

Stephanie Salter can be emailed at SalterOpinion@gmail.com.

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