TERRE HAUTE —
Hello, may I speak to any adult member of the household who is 18 years of age or older? Are you 18 or older?
Good. Would you have a few minutes today to answer some questions about your views on the upcoming election? This is just a fact-finding survey and it will take only about five minutes to complete.
OK? On a scale of one to four — with one being “highly unlikely,” two being “somewhat unlikely,” three being “somewhat likely” and four being “highly likely” — how likely is it that you will be voting in the Nov. 2nd election?
Will you be voting early by mail, drop-off absentee ballot or on Election Day at your polling place?
In the race for your district’s state representative, how likely would you be to vote for a candidate who has been in office too long — I mean, has been in office for a long time?
How likely would you be to vote for a candidate who, despite being in office for a long time, hasn’t sponsored what many people would classify as one piece of major legislation?
How likely would you be to vote for a candidate who cannot prove he hasn’t broken into homes and stolen jewelry?
In that same race, how likely would you be to vote for a candidate who, some people say, probably hasn’t paid his full property taxes in at least five years?
Also in that race, how likely would you be to vote for a candidate who has been rumored in several circles to look at teenage girls in a funny way?
If you knew that William Williams, the incumbent candidate for state representative, hadn’t sponsored what many people would classify as one piece of major legislation, may have broken into homes and stolen jewelry, probably hasn’t paid his full property taxes in at least five years and is rumored in several circles to look at teenage girls in a funny way, how likely would you be to vote for William Williams?
On a scale of one to four — with one being “not at all important,” two being “sort of important,” three being “fairly important” and four being “extremely important,” how important to you are the following qualities in a state representative?
The ability to sing on key?
Rakes and bags the leaves in his yard?
Prefers AKC dachshunds to shepherds?
Usually drinks diet soda?
Has a vertical jump of about four inches?
Subscribes to Taxidermy Today?
No class-A felony convictions?
Saves disposable contact lenses?
Turning to the state Senate race, on the previous scale of one to four, how likely would you be to vote for a candidate who moved to your district only a couple of years ago?
How likely would you be to vote for a candidate whose only elected position, ever, was secretary of her high school student council?
How likely would you be to vote for a candidate who might have worked her way through college as a pole dancer?
How likely would you be to vote for a state Senate candidate whose three children look nothing like her?
How likely would you be to vote for a candidate whose one-time curbside recycling truck driver reportedly was overheard saying she seemed to put out more than her share of empty wine bottles?
If you knew that state Senate challenger Ramona Ramone moved to your district only a couple of years ago, has never been elected to anything more than student council secretary, might have worked her way through college as a pole dancer, has three children who look nothing like her and that her one-time curbside recycling truck driver reportedly was overheard saying she seemed to put out more than her share of empty wine bottles, how likely would you be to vote for Ramona Ramone?
On a scale of one to four — with one being “not at all important,” two being “sort of important,” three being “fairly important” and four being “extremely important,” how important to you are the following qualities in a state senator?
Can read up to fifth-grade level?
Collects antique toothpick holders?
Rarely exceeds 25 mph in the city and 60 mph on highways, including the interstate?
Distrusts U.S. citizens with passports?
Never goes barefooted?
Prefers artificial plants to real ones?
No class A felony convictions?
Harbors a fear of root vegetables?
Finally, a few questions about the issues that concern you most. Again, the scale is one to four, with one being “could not care less,” two being “a little bit concerned,” three being “fairly concerned” and four being “keeps me awake at night.”
How concerned are you about the economy?
About health care?
About national security?
About protecting the Second Amendment?
About prayer in public schools?
About same-sex marriage?
About how Paula Abdul is doing these days?
About antibiotic-resistant, flesh-eating bacteria?
About the supply of quality antique toothpick holders?
About candidates for public office who may have class C or class B felony convictions, but no As?
About root vegetables?
That is the end of the survey, unless you have any other comments you’d care to make in Twitter-length or less. Thank you so much for your time, and have a very nice day.
Stephanie Salter can be reached at (812) 231-4229 or firstname.lastname@example.org.
TERRE HAUTE —
Hello, may I speak to any adult member of the household who is 18 years of age or older? Are you 18 or older?
- Stephanie Salter
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