For those who are agog and aglow with “the season” — you who start bouncing and humming in Toys R Us at the intro guitar notes of “Jingle Bell Rock” — better search elsewhere for a soul mate.
But you who find “the holidays” about as warm and fuzzy as the presidential election season — you who suspect that, any day now, a dollar bill will replace Baby Jesus in the manger — perhaps you’d care to have a seat and sing along.
(To the tune of “God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen”)
God rest ye, merry Christmas songs
Ye bring me such dismay
Ye start in stores and shopping malls
Before Columbus Day
Ye make me think of Satan’s pow’r
To drive the sane astray
Ye-ee rob me of comfort and joy
Comfort and joy
Ye-ee rob me of comfort and joy
(To the tune of “Rudolph, the Red-Nose Reindeer”)
Rudolph, the blow-up reindeer
Puffs to life each night at dark
Followed by Santa, sleigh-bound
You can almost hear his “Hark!”
All of the other reindeer
Rise in perfect symmetry
Long as the juice keeps flowing
Yea for electricity!
But a caution you should heed
Always pay your bill
Or the crew won’t leave the ground
They’ll lie in a soggy mound
Then watch the neighbors shun you
How they’ll shout it out with glee
“What dork keeps blow-up reindeer,
“Without electricity?!!”
(To the tune of “Hark!
The Herald Angels Sing!”
Hark, the card swipes beep and ring,
Racking up all sorts of bling
Shoppers bold and shoppers mild
Fear not debt, they’re reconciled
Who cares how they’ll pay the bi-ills?
All that counts is shopping thri-ills
Bargains are the Holy Grail
Next month’s the time to weep and wail
Hark! The card swipes beep and ring
Buy now, pay later for the bling
(To the tune of
“O, Christmas Tree”)
O, Amazon, O, Amazon
Your wares are truly tempting
But, Amazon, O, Amazon
The process is ferklepmting
Your virtual aisles, all packed with goods
Entrap me in just “shoulds” and “coulds”
There’s so much stuff, the mounds confuse
I’m paralyzed, I cannot choose
(To the tune of “Jingle Bells”)
Ninety-nine, ninety-nine
That’s my group – yo ho!
Percent-wise, we own the game
As we spend our Christmas dough-oh
But the folks with the clout
Those the most content
Make us look like puny ants
They are The One Percent
(To the Tune of “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear”)
It came upon a midnight clear
At the end of Thanksgiving Day
Box stores wide open with lights ablaze
And discounts that prompted a fray
The toys, the flat screens, the DVDs
At prices that made our whole day
But next year we could do without
The woman with pepper spray
(To the tune of “O Little Town of Bethlehem”)
O little mall with shops galore
How still we see thee lie
Close by the highway exit ramp
Where cars and trucks go by
Your jewelry stores do shineth
Your food court satisfies
Your Body Shop and Baby Gap
Inspire and mesmerize
(Verse II)
Of course it’s true your bookstore’s gone
But who reads anyway?
More room now for athletic shoes
And sexy lingerie
There’s Penney’s still and Macy’s
Claire’s, Sears and Sunglass Hut
The Hallmark and Merle Norman stores
Will always make the cut
(Verse III)
O Little mall, you draw us all
In droves each holiday
Your bright lights and your perfect temp
Keep fear and dread at bay
These times are tough, no doubting
Our job growth’s at a stop
Yet we’re all patriotic souls
We’ll shop until we drop
(To the tune of “Silent Night”)
Silent night, peaceful day
Everything is now OK
’Round yon Wendy’s and Burger King
From the speakers, no more they sing
Carols, Yule tides and elves’ tunes
Christmas is over, at last
Stephanie Salter can be emailed at SalterOpinion@gmail.com.
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