By Stephanie Salter
TERRE HAUTE — Esteemed graduates of 2009: I can only imagine your incredulity and disappointment at learning I would deliver your commencement address today.
Not insult enough that you must hear advice from a mainstream print journalist whose own alma mater has confined its recognition to soliciting my membership in the alumni association — no, you also must suffer the offense of a commencement speaker in absentia.
If you boo, I won’t hear you.
If you throw shoes in protest, they will not hit me.
“Why couldn’t we get Oprah, like Duke did?” some of you may be asking. “Or Tom Brokaw like Fordham and William & Mary did? How about Ben Bernanke, who spoke at Boston College Law School, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, who gave the address at the University of Southern California? Couldn’t we at least have gotten Ben Stein? Liberty University got Ben Stein.”
Graduates, I feel your pain. My speech symbolizes your present and short-term future: It’s all about cutting costs. Your school could not afford a speaker in real time, or even live-stream on the Web. It could not afford one of those satin or velveteen Ph.D. hoods they drape around an honorary doctor.
This is as good as it gets in 2009. I am so sorry.
However, being a veteran of an industry in steep decline, I’ve chosen to make do with my 40-year-old skill set. You will hear today from Ben, Ben, Oprah, Arnold and Tom. And in a breakout information box, I will provide a bonus for all grads with Web access: e-guidance to Paul Hawken’s commencement speech, an address Internet reviewers find too good to excerpt.
So, let us tarry no more. Herewith, the Appropriated Commencement Speech Excerpt Digest of 2009.
Tom Brokaw at Fordham, May 16:
Most of all, remember this — you cannot get through this world alone. You need each other — and we need you to celebrate one another in a common cause of restoring economic justice and true value, advancing racial and religious tolerance, creating a healthier planet …
On these occasions in the past I have said, “It’s easy to make a buck; it’s tough to make a difference.” Then a parent suggested a re-wording: “It’s tough to make a buck but if you make a lot of bucks, you can make a real difference.” So for a time I offered both observations as a final word.
This year and these times required still another revision: “It is a lot tougher to make a buck these days, but making a difference has its own rich reward.”
(Brokaw delivered much the same speech the next day at William & Mary, substituting advice from Jon Stewart for advice from Stephen Colbert. A nugget:)
You’ve been told recently you’re about to enter the real world. That, in fact, is misleading. Your parents and I do not represent the real world. Neither does this institution, for all of its obvious qualities.
This may come as a surprise to you, but in fact, the real world was junior high.
You’ll be astonished by how much of the rest of your life will be consumed by the same petty jealousies you encountered in adolescence, the same irrational juvenile behavior, the cliques, the dumb jokes and the hurt feelings.
Ben Stein at Liberty University, May 9:
It is a wonderful thing to be in a place where you can say the truth, and one of the truths is that in this country you can say any curse word — on television. The only words you cannot say are “God” and “Jesus Christ” — and now I’m in a place where you can say that and not have it be a swear word …
(On his documentary, which supports intelligent design over evolution) I realized that the real issues of life were not economic issues, not necessarily material issues, but metaphysical issues. If the Darwinists were right, and we were all descendants of lightning striking a mud puddle, what did that make us? If we were just lumps of mud, did we have any duty to any other lumps of mud?
(Quoting Matthew 5:13-16, in which Jesus calls proclaimers of the gospel “the salt of the earth) You guys have the salt. This is where the salt of the earth [is], right here at Williams Stadium, and I’m very, very happy to be among these salty people.
Oprah Winfrey at Duke, May 10:
(Oprah’s address was like her show — funny, poignant, all over the map, and a lot about her. She mentioned many people, from Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor to Nelson Mandela, and got a big laugh when she told the grads how fantastic it is to have her own jet, “and anybody who says it isn’t is lying to you.”)
For me, it’s all about following your gut. I am who I am because I trust my gut more than anyone else’s opinion, and that is my best advice to you. You know what is right, and when everyone around you is telling you what you should do, what you shouldn’t do, and when you … have to ask anyone other than yourself, it is your instinct, your higher self’s way of saying, “Get still until you do know the answer, because your gut will never lead you wrong.” Trust your gut to help you stand proudly in your own shoes, as you help others stand in theirs, and I know you will be a huge success.
Ben Bernanke at Boston College Law School, May 22:
(Except for the jokes, the chairman of the Federal Reserve gave a speech like Oprah’s — all over the place and much about him. He quoted John Lennon and Louis Pasteur and apologized for not being J.K. Rowling.)
So, my advice to you is to stay optimistic. Things usually have a way of working out. My second piece of advice is to be flexible, even adventurous as you begin your careers. As I have tried to illustrate today, you are much less able than you think to foresee how your life, both professional and personal, will play out. The world changes too fast, and too many accidents and unpredictable events occur. It will pay, therefore, to be creative and open-minded as you search for and consider professional opportunities. Look most carefully at those options that will give you a chance to learn new things, explore new areas, and grow as a person. Think of every job as a potential investment in yourself. Will it prepare your mind for the opportunities that chance will provide?
Arnold Schwarzenegger at USC, May 15:
Now, of course, people ask me all the time, they say to me, “What is the secret to success?” And I give them always the short version. I say, “Number one, come to America. Number two, work your butt off. And number three, marry a Kennedy.” But anyway, those are the short rules. Now today, I’m going to give you the six rules of success …
Trust yourself.
Break some rules.
Don’t be afraid to fail.
Ignore the naysayers.
Work like hell.
And give something back.
Stephanie Salter can be reached at (812) 231-4229 or stephanie.salter@tribstar.com
