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March 31, 2009

STEPHANIE SALTER: And that’s the way it is April 1, 2009…seriously!

By Stephanie Salter

TERRE HAUTE — Because it is nigh on to impossible to stay abreast of all the news, the following are several items you may have missed on this first day of April:

Chicago — In a bold move newspaper industry analysts predict will be followed by most of the nation’s print media, the Chicago Tribune announced it soon will charge employees to keep their jobs.

Beginning July 1, the start of the third fiscal quarter, all Tribune reporters, editors, business staff, printers and carriers will be expected to pay their corporate owner, the Tribune Co., for the privilege of working at a newspaper.

Employees whose duties are confined to the paper’s Web site will be allowed to work for free.

“Over the past year, as several newspapers have been closed or drastically down-sized, journalists across the United States have written testimonials to the unique significance of their industry,” said Parakeet Peterson, vice president of marketing for the Tribune Co. “In an ongoing effort to cut costs and return to profitability, we decided to capitalize on this intra-industry affection.”

Peterson said specific numbers still were “being crunched,” but newspaper employees likely would be charged about the same as the cost of a home delivery subscription.

“We want to start conservatively and see how it goes,” she said. “Our goal is to save jobs and keep America’s free press alive.”

Atlanta — The Centers for Disease Control has identified the source of the nation’s latest and most virulent outbreak of salmonella.

The tobacco in cigarettes, which more than a quarter of the U.S. population consumes by the billions, has been irrefutably tied to the massive salmonella epidemic. The CDC said the situation has been exacerbated by the tobacco industry’s refusal to acknowledge the salmonella link, let alone recall any of its manufacturers’ products.

Indianapolis — To the surprise of environmentalists, Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels announced today that his state was taking the lead in “reversing the backward U.S. value system of garbage.”

Without departing from his customary “privatized is best” philosophy, Daniels said Hoosier cities and counties will be mandated to contract with disposal companies that charge for trash and garbage removal but haul away recyclables for free.

“Just so long as the private companies get to keep the money from recycled aluminum, glass, paper and plastic, I’m happy,” the governor said.

The new system, dubbed “Pay to Be a Pig,” also bans the use of plastic trash bags for compostables, such as leaves. Disposal companies not only will provide biodegradable bags for leaves and yard clippings, but also they will dump that refuse in county compost piles rather than in landfills.

“Just so long as the private companies get to resell the compost as fertilizer, I’m happy,” Daniels said.

Vatican City — Pope Benedict XVI rocked the Christian and secular world today by announcing the creation of the Vatican Office of Legitimate Family Planning and Disease Prevention.

A papal spokesman said the pontiff had been inspired by worldwide criticism over his remarks about condoms and AIDS prevention in Africa “to reflect, for once, rather than deflect.” The pope then spent several weeks reviewing 40-year-old church documents that were ignored by Pope Paul VI because they recommended a shift in the hierarchy’s stance on birth control.

“The Holy Father has not changed but expanded his thinking on artificial birth control and sexually transmitted disease prevention,” said the spokesman. “He understands that abstinence and monogamy, while ideal, are not sufficient in themselves to keep men and women from contracting and dying from, or becoming infertile from, sexually transmittable diseases such as AIDS.”

So, too, the Vatican spokesman said, Benedict now appreciates the importance of allowing women to use effective birth control to better and more safely plan their pregnancies, particularly in developing nations in which infant and maternal mortality remain alarmingly high.

“The pope is confident,” said the spokesman, “that the new Office of Legitimate Family Planning and Disease Prevention is consistent with the church’s mission to protect and honor all life, including that of an oft-discounted segment of the population — females and males of reproductive age.”

New York — Pop star Madonna will turn her zeal for adoption from Malawi to her home country, a publicist for the singer said.

While awaiting an 18-month process to legally adopt a second Malawian child, Madonna plans to visit several U.S. cities to learn about the thousands of American children who would benefit physically, emotionally and socially from living in a loving and materially stable home. Such children usually are older and from ethnically diverse parentage, and many have disabilities.

Madonna’s publicist explained that the lack of official orphanages in the United States allowed the wealthy star to believe all American children had real families. “She did not understand the breadth and depth of the U.S. foster care system,” the aide said.

Washington, D.C. — Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld shocked capital veterans this week by promising to “dedicate my life” to rebuilding and restoring Iraq and reimbursing American taxpayers “for the billions of dollars we squandered in our ill-conceived and badly executed” occupation of that country.

Devoid of the haughty aura that characterized his years in the Bush II administration, Rumsfeld said he had engaged in a “marathon” viewing of documentaries on the Iraq War, which caused him to begin to comprehend “the scope of the debacle we set loose.”

Frequently wiping away tears, Rumsfeld said the defining moment of his turnaround came during a phone call from former vice president Dick Cheney.

“He was sobbing with guilt and remorse,” said Rumsfeld. “He said, ‘Don, if we don’t do this, they have every right to try us in the Hague for war crimes and profiteering.’”

Cheney could not be reached for comment, but a spokesman said he would describe his plans in detail later this week on The Colbert Report.

Stephanie Salter can be reached at (812) 231-4229 or stephanie.salter@tribstar.com.

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