TERRE HAUTE — Boy, those Iowans and New Hampshireans have it made. They’ve been swimming in a political fishbowl (I think there’s another word for that), with the world watching 24/7.
Sure, here in Indiana, it’s understandable that lots of Hoosiers, including me, feel as if we’re left out of the presidential picking contest. We won’t conduct our primary until May 6. We’re batting at the bottom of the order; only nine states will be left by then. Like a weak-hitting pitcher, Indiana voters will have few options. We’ll just bunt the Democratic and Republican frontrunners into scoring position for the November general election.
But Hoosiers aren’t complainers, right? We know how to make chicken salad when forced. So to demonstrate that our presidential engagement glass is half full, here are eight reasons to toast our national irrelevancy:
8. Indiana won’t be corrupted by the infusion of campaign revenue into the state. So what if Iowa anticipates the final total of money spent there by contenders in its party caucuses to top $60 million? Who cares if New Hampshire’s economy will get a $231-million jolt from Tuesday’s primary? We get our economic boosts the old-fashioned way — with lotteries and casinos.
7. We needn’t feel guilty about not knowing who Mike Gravel is. Most viewers of the televised Democratic debates probably thought this cranky former Alaska senator was a reincarnation of Uncle Charlie on “My Three Sons.” But the 77-year-old presidential snowball’s-chance longshot wins the competition for uttering the strangest campaign quote. An advocate of changing the nation’s drug laws, Gravel told students Sunday at a prep academy in Exeter, N.H., “Go get yourself a fifth of Scotch or a fifth of gin and chug-a-lug it down, and you’ll find you lose your senses a lot faster than you would smoking some marijuana,” according to the Chicago Tribune. Who’s his campaign manager — Ozzy Osbourne?
6. Hoosiers can eat breakfast in peace. Imagine getting halfway through your pancakes when Fred Thompson and a camera crew slides into the booth beside you at Bev’s Country Kitchen, wanting to talk about NAFTA at 7:30 in the morning. Candidates love those photo ops. After your initial shock wears off, your flapjacks and coffee will end up cold while Fred’s still earning royalties from “Law and Order” as he eats his bacon.
5. No fear of running into Chuck Norris. There’s a risk that Chuck will track me down and kick my butt for writing this, but the more “Chuck Norris Facts” I read on the Internet the more he scares me. The Walker, Texas Ranger-endorsed Republican candidate Mike Huckabee aired a campaign ad in New Hampshire, offering a two-word solution to securing our borders: “Chuck Norris.” Huck also said, “When Chuck does a pushup, he isn’t lifting his body up, he’s pushing the Earth down.” Let’s see if Chuck can push down Indiana’s property taxes.
4. Florence Henderson and Jim Nabors won’t feel upstaged. When May arrives, Hoosiers will know any celebrities who show up on Indiana soil have come for the Indianapolis 500, not our primary. With New Hampshire and Iowa, you had to wonder if the candidates and their famous followers paired up like people and pets. Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins and Kevin Bacon stumped for John Edwards. Viggo Mortensen joined Dennis Kucinich. Norris tag-teamed with Huckabee. And the best, Wilford Brimley helped John McCain. (Just thinking about that duo gives me a hankerin’ for oatmeal and a health-insurance gripe session.) We’ll stick with Gomer Pyle and Carol Brady singing to the masses at the Speedway.
3. Less homework. Do we really want to switch places with Iowans and New Hampshireans, who revel in studying every facet of every candidate, from Duncan Hunter’s stance on immigration to Tom Tancredo’s foreign trade plans to Kucinich’s record as mayor of Cleveland in the ’70s? We’ll let the first 41 states weed out the field for us.
2. Fewer annoying phone calls. Despite being on New Hamsphire’s do-not-call registry, some residents still got automated phone messages (“robo-calls”) last weekend from the Barack Obama camp disputing rival Hillary Clinton’s record on abortion issues, according to The Associated Press. Campaign volunteers also rang up thousands of New Hampshireans in person, trying to persuade people to vote for their candidates. One former Wabash Valley resident now living in the Granite State told me she got so many phone pleas that she resorted to telling each political caller that their candidate already had her support, which shortened their speeches.
1. At least we’re not Michigan. By trying to be more of a player in the presidential race, Michigan lawmakers brazenly moved its primary forward, not just a little, but to Jan. 15 — just a week after New Hampshire and three weeks before the 20-state Super Duper Tuesday on Feb. 5. So, the national parties threatened to penalize the state; the Republicans insist they’ll cut Michigan’s delegate total in half, while the Democrats claim they’ll scratch all of them. Edwards and Obama pulled their names off the ballot and aren’t campaigning there. Changes in the way voters request ballots now (they must declare themselves Republican or Democrat), as well as a new voter ID law, have many Michiganers shaking their heads in confusion, reported the Port Huron Times Herald. And the primary’s pricetag has climbed to $10 million.
May 6 won’t be so stressful in Indiana. By the time the polls close at 6 o’clock, Hoosiers will be back hunting mushrooms in peace. Now, if John Edwards, Chuck Norris or Wilford Brimley start campaigning by tromping through our woods, holding bread sacks as they’re followed by a TV news team, then we might seriously rethink our primary’s date.
Mark Bennett can be reached at mark.bennett@tribstar.com or (812) 231-4377.
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