TERRE HAUTE — I’m usually tossing yesterday’s coffee grounds into the trash when a network TV morning show announces its upcoming segment on “Perfect Parenting.”
Even though it’s 7 o’clock in the morning and a new batch of java won’t course through my veins for at least another 10 minutes, that phrase never fails to make me grin. I always expect those “Perfect Parenting” segments to feature two minutes of dead air.
Seriously, perfect? Most of us would settle for being successful four out of every 10 times, in terms of parental decisions. Even major-league hitters aren’t that proficient anymore. And the last guy who was, the late Ted Williams, also left a legacy of striking out a lot as a father.
No moms or dads are going to bat 1.000. But maybe parenting doesn’t have to be as mysterious as a 98-mph slider from Randy Johnson.
Young people flashed some pretty obvious signals in a unique survey released last week by The Associated Press. If parents ever wonder what they should be doing, they might want to refer to the results of that extensive survey of 1,280 young Americans, ages 13 to 24, conducted by The AP and MTV.
Its quintessential question, out of more than 100 posed, was, “What makes you happy?”
It did not have multiple-choice answers listed. They simply had to fill in the blank.
The overwhelming majority said “spending time with family” made them happiest.
Does “mature” America need more hints about how to do the right thing as parents and community leaders? There are plenty of cues within the responses of this happiness poll.
Seventy-three percent of these young people said their relationship with their parents makes them happy. Nearly half consider spirituality important, and even more believe a higher power has some influence over things that make them happy. Belonging to an organized religious group makes them happier. Ninety-two percent said they either definitely or probably want to marry someday. Among the 13- to 17-year-olds, kids whose parents remain together were more likely to say they wake up happy. In that 13-to-17 group, 40 percent of the kids responding who’d drank alcohol in the past seven days said they were happy with life, compared to 68 percent of kids who didn’t drink. The numbers were similar for kids who did and didn’t use drugs.
Their answers also reflected problems within American society. More whites (72 percent) said they were happy with life in general than blacks (56 percent) and Hispanics (51 percent). The young people also had higher stress rates than older adults answering previous polls, naming school (for those 13-to-17) and jobs (for those 18-to-24) as the causes. While none named money or material items as their No. 1 source of happiness, the survey showed those who had it tend to be happier than those who don’t. Forty-nine percent said they’d be happier with more money.
Perhaps the most revealing question asked young America, “Who’s your hero?” Nearly half named a parent, outpolling even Martin Luther King, the top choice among all public figures mentioned.
That can be unsettling either way. A parent whose kid considers them a hero may wonder, “How can I live up to that?” And one whose child picked a celebrity like Michael Jordan could ask themselves, “What am I doing wrong?”
(See the kids’ responses, above.)
“If adults look at the results of some things in this survey as troubling, they probably need to look at themselves,” said Judith Myers-Walls, who teaches child development and family studies as an associate professor at Purdue University.
The price of overcommitment and the desire for more wealth are reflected in the AP study. “Where’s that coming from?” Myers-Walls asked, rhetorically. Adults, of course.
Now, remember, opinions offered in a survey are loosened by anonymity. In a poll, kids may say they enjoy more time with their families. But in public, they may shy away from that, Myers-Walls said by telephone last week from her office in West Lafayette. And as they grow older, they’ll also have to confront those same choices about priorities as their imperfect parents.
Will they take that enticing job opportunity even if it means less time with the family? Will they scrap a vacation to get more work done?
“There are some actual, rubber-hits-the-road issues that may put a test to that commitment,” Myers-Walls said.
Apparently, children are paying attention to how adults handle those choices. A significant number of grownups made the right call often enough to be considered their kid’s hero. Though former NBA star Charles Barkley once famously deflected any attempts to be called a role model, parents are good choices to fill that position, according to Myers-Walls.
“It’s very healthy,” she said. “Those are the adults they know best. And when you’re getting up into the age of 24, they’ve seen the humanness of their parents.”
At this point in those young people’s lives, they see those same potential pitfalls on their own horizons, but remain optimistic they can be overcome. Sixty-two percent expect to be happier in the future than they are now, even though many anticipate their life will be more difficult than that of their parents.
But what can those kids — or even people in their parents’ generation — do to build a more happy existence?
In a New York Times piece earlier this year, a researcher at George Mason University in Washington, D.C., drew a distinction between feeling good and doing good. The former is fleeting and can become addictive, he concluded, but the latter can lead to lasting happiness.
People who donate blood are a diverse bunch, Jo TeVault, manager at the Indiana Blood Center in Terre Haute said last week. There is a common thread among those giving folks, though.
“They don’t seem miserable, like being at the doctor’s office or the dentist’s office,” TeVault said. “It’s hard to tell whether we just get happy people, or if helping others makes them happy. Who knows what comes first?”
There’s no perfect answer to that. Besides, the end result matters most.
Mark Bennett can be reached at mark.bennett@tribstar.com or (812) 231-4377.
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