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August 22, 2009

MARK BENNETT: Less disposable income means there’s even more reason for families to say no

By Mark Bennett

TERRE HAUTE — No one likes to hear it. Few enjoy saying it.

Yes, the Summer of No is not for the feint-hearted.

Just as the Summer of Love left a lasting impression on its generation, this summer — with recession-strapped parents, bosses and mayors saying “no” more often than ever — could leave a mark on young America. That impact could take years to emerge. Will the youth of 2009 become hardened by living with less affluence than many parents had at their age? Or will they develop the habit of living within their means like their parents or grandparents who grew up during the Great Depression?

It depends on moms and dads. They must be strong enough to say no, but also explain why, and offer alternatives.

“These are wonderful times to share the family budget, and let them see how the money is spent,” said Jim Fay, founder of the Love and Logic Institute in Golden, Colo.

Fay teaches parenting from experience. He spent 31 years as a public school teacher and principal, and helped raise three kids. He also remembers hearing “no” a few times as a kid. Now 75, Fay was born in the heart of the Depression.

The ability to accept that some things are unaffordable was essential then.

“The ones who came out of the Depression did that pretty well,” Fay said by telephone from Denver, “but it’s been slipping away.”

In fact, he added, some kids of the 1930s went in the opposite direction as adults. Determined to spare their own families such hardships, many thought, “Gosh, I want my kids to have it better than I did,” Fay said.

The problem is, that’s not always possible. The Great Recession has dragged on since December 2007. Unemployment is in double digits. Many people who are still working have had their wages frozen, cut or interrupted by unpaid furloughs. Folks in the Wabash Valley feel the effects.

In a state that ranks 31st nationally in median household income at $47,422, Vigo County families earn even less — $37,381, according to U.S. Census Bureau statistics.

They have less disposable income, and more reasons to say “no” to purchases they once took for granted. That situation has become routine during the past two months as back-to-school shopping season hit. Vigo County public schools opened Tuesday. College kids, who are learning to tell themselves “no” more often, start classes at Indiana State University this week.

There’s a right way and a wrong way to impose that two-letter response, though.

“We teach [parents] very simple techniques, and that is to go brain-dead when the kid starts to argue,” Fay said. That means saying “the same thing every time — ‘I know, it’s hard.’ ‘I know, it’s hard.’ ‘I know, it’s hard.’”

The repetition eventually wears down the unsatisfied youngster.

Saying ‘yes’ to ‘no’

Of course, having to reject your children’s desires — especially those to which you once routinely said “yes” — wounds some parents’ pride. “There’s a toll there,” Fay conceded, “and that’s why I like to say ‘no’ to kids by saying ‘yes’ to something else.”

Take those gleaming, multi-colored sneakers on the mall store shelf, with a $200 pricetag, for example.

(Even many of us post-Depression baby boomers can’t fathom shelling out 10 Andrew Jackson’s for tennis shoes. Nonetheless, they sell.)

If a teenager makes such a request, Fay suggests this response: “Ahhh. You know, you’d look good in them. I’ve got $35 here toward them. When you get the rest, you’re in them.”

Another possibility is saying, “Wouldn’t it be nice if we could afford that,” Fay added. “That really softens them up.”

Validating “no” is important, too.

Fay sees no harm in showing kids the family budget — the total income pool, and all the expenditures, from the mortgage to taxes, light and phone bills, orthodontist, groceries and every other cost of family living.

“The more kids learn about that, early, the better off they are,” Fay said, “and they can start making their own budgets.”

A routine of openness can reduce the tension and the pleas of “but why not?” And as frustrating as those complaints can be, struggling parents may also feel as if they’ve let their kids down. Instead, they should feel proud that they’re keeping the family as “financially healthy” as possible.

“The first step is being honest with yourself by saying, ‘We are not going to go into debt to buy back-to-school supplies or to show the Joneses we can do this,’” said Maria Schmidt, assistant professor of human development and family studies at Indiana University.

Saying ‘yes’ to options

Setting limits is a success, not a failure. It’s also a necessity right now. The average household’s wealth — earnings, savings, belongings and investments — shrank 22 percent from mid-2007 to early-2009, according to the New York Times. As a result, the National Retail Federation anticipates a 7.7 percent decline in back-to-school sales compared to last year, as Americans cut back, thrift shop and save.

That trend is clear every day in the Once Upon A Child store on Terre Haute’s south side. The shop buys and sells used clothing, toys, books, movies and wares geared for children and expectant moms. April Hofmann, manager at the store since it opened in 2005, said “buys” — purchases by the store of carried-in customer goods — were up more than 100 percent earlier this summer over the same time last year.

The sellers’ motives illustrate the depth of the recession.

“People always tell you stories about selling to get medicine or for dinner that night,” said Hofmann, 22. “We’ve had people bring in gifts unwrapped.”

Sales there are also up.

“I think people who weren’t used to coming into ‘used’ stores are definitely doing it now, especially with school starting,” she said.

The store gives parents a chance to say no, while also saying yes. Those Gap jeans craved by 11-year-old girls may cost $30 retail, but they’re between $6 and $8 at Once Upon A Child.

An intensified frugality has sent many families to bargain stores, such as Dollar General, Dollar Tree, Family Dollar and others.

Just up U.S. 41 from Once Upon A Child, bargain shoppers kept cashiers at Dollar Tree busy Thursday morning. “We’re selling everything. Sales are up. Business is good,” said Manager Sara Detraz.

Indeed, there are options for the clothes, backpacks and entertainment kids want. Schmidt, a 45-year-old wife and mother of two young children, urges parents to offer explanations and alternatives after turning down their initial request. A litany of curt no’s doesn’t educate kids, unless some additional information follows. Tell them the available budget. Offer creative ideas, even if they don’t sound interested at first.

If they want to go to the movies, and a trip to the theater is too expensive, make popcorn at home and pull a family favorite out of the DVD stack. “Say, ‘Can we go for a family drive or play basketball in the driveway instead of going somewhere else?’” Schmidt suggested.

“Kids really just want our time and energy anyway,” she added, “so maybe saying ‘no’ means more time together. Maybe we’re having a family game night, and the kids end up having more fun anyway.”

Back in the 1930s, many humble homes had a piano in the corner or a guitar in the closet. At least one child learned to play. That gave families a source of entertainment. The kids of the Great Recession might learn the value of making your own fun, just as their great-grandparents did.



Mark Bennett can be reached at (812) 231-4377 or mark.bennett@tribstar.com.

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