Mom always told me to be sure I never left the house with torn or dirty underwear. She usually added a warning about being hit by a truck or a bus, or some other catastrophe befalling, so that I’d be carted off to the hospital where my tattered underwear would become a matter of public record and private shame.
Because Mom did the laundry, she kept up to date on the state of my undergarments and, when things got desperate, she’d hustle me off to the nearest department store to outfit me and be assured that I would be presentable to her hypothetical hospital staff.
I am now in charge of laundry and I watch the gradual descent into disrepute of my nether garments. I know where the nearest department stores are, but I really do not like to shop. It takes me considerable time to psych myself up and actually get to the store. I want to know what I need, where to find it and the shortest route between the door to the department. I want to snap up my purchase and go home. Besides, a shopping bag full of new underwear is not all that exciting.
I remember a few years ago I was actually tempted to sign on for automatic renewal of my underwear supply. If memory serves, and sometimes it doesn’t, it was called “Panty-of-the-Month Club” and it worked rather like a book club or one of those coffee clubs. Every month you would be offered panties and a bra with the option of saying “no thanks” or having an automatic addition to your unmentionables and a tick on your credit card.
Each month the club would offer something suitable to the month. Usually they would pick a theme or a holiday and let imagination run amok. One of the spring months always came up with something in an Easter-egg pastel. December featured bright red with lace rather than fur. I especially remember March when I could have been the proud owner of panties printed with shamrocks to go with an “Erin Go Bra.”
No long underwear for those long, cold winter months and that may have been what tipped the balance. Maybe if I had stuck
with it?
Now I am reduced to assessing my lingerie drawer, wondering what Mom would say and hoping that I can hang on for a few more weeks — or months — or years!
Liz Ciancone is a retired
Tribune-Star reporter. Send e-mail to opinion@tribstar.com.
Liz Ciancone
LIZ CIANCONE: Keeping track of a tattered underworld
- Liz Ciancone
-
-
LIZ CIANCONE: Courts see a different appearance than cops
Have you ever noticed the transformation between the arrest of an accused lawbreaker and the first appearance in court?
-
LIZ CIANCONE: We always want more than we need
Washington seems more preoccupied with the unemployment rate than they are about the constant stalemate. Still with thousands out of work and the unemployment rate hovering somewhere between 7 percent and 9 percent, it does deserve more than a passing nod.
-
LIZ CIANCONE: Old age is in email of the beholder
My Best Friend isn’t much for writing letters, so email has opened a new world for him. He can dash off a few words to a high school friend or his college roommate — now living in Florida and Washington State,
-
LIZ CIANCONE: A memory test from the oldtime radio days
For some reason, I seem to be the go-to source for all sorts of obscure information out at the Wabash Valley Family Sports Center.
-
LIZ CIANCONE: Friskey no doubt was in favor of gun control
I once owned a gun. Actually, it was Dad’s gun and I was allowed to use it. He bought an air gun which shot BB’s to protect our home — in a way.
-
LIZ CIANCONE: A robin stops to welcome the spring
I saw a robin the other morning. It was not the first robin of spring, of course. A few of the more daring robins had opted to spend the winter and, although they looked pretty sorry about it on a few occasions, it was a fairly mild winter.
-
LIZ CIANCONE: The mystery of the small animal mascot
I hope you won’t think I’m picking on small animals, but I’ve been thinking about Easter and the Easter bunny.
-
LIZ CIANCONE: Rising up to defend the poor groundhog
I read in the newspaper the other morning that Punxsatawney Phil is being hauled into court and charged with falsely predicting an early spring. I am volunteering my services as counsel for the defense.
-
LIZ CIANCONE: Keeping eye out for signs of spring
The problem with expecting a groundhog to predict the arrival of spring is that there are groundhogs scattered all over the country. The Pennsylvania groundhog may not see the same kind of weather as the groundhog out here in Dobbs Park. In this way, false hopes are roused and the groundhog loses credibility as a meteorologist.
-
LIZ CIANCONE: Not every other name smells sweet as a rose
It was either Romeo or Juliet who said, “What’s in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”
-
LIZ CIANCONE: Innocence appreciated when you’re growing up
I grew up rather stupid. I didn’t realize it at the time. Neither did my teachers who seemed to think I had “promise.”
-
LIZ CIANCONE: Years along rivers make them feel like home
I’ve been following plans for celebrating “The Year of the River” with interest. Rivers have played such a role in my life that I’ve celebrated a good many rivers. The Wabash River is merely the most recent example.
-
LIZ CIANCONE: There are always cat stories to be told
I was asked the other day why I write about dogs I have known, but never about cats. “What’s the matter?” they asked, “Don’t you like cats?”
-
LIZ CIANCONE: Sharing the family history
My Grandmother lived with us. Ed and I were eager audiences for her family stories about the Cooks. Mom also shared her memories of growing up with three brothers.
-
LIZ CIANCONE: Do we want our privacy or not?
We Americans are a strange bunch. We insist upon our right to privacy, yet we neglect few opportunities to parade our personal business in public.
-
LIZ CIANCONE: The low humor of Mickey Mantis
I’m told that a pun is the lowest form of humor. I guess that typecasts me! I love them, but then, I like any type of word play.
-
LIZ CIANCONE: For now, justice is served in Bball Hall
News this past week brought justice of a sort. The folks who decide these things have declined to pick anyone to be enshrined in the Baseball Hall of Fame this year.
-
LIZ CIANCONE: Well, what would you do with only 1 sock?
Let me ask you something.
-
LIZ CIANCONE: Movie memories don’t include many of the lengthy variety
There has been lots of reporting lately about how long movies are becoming.
-
LIZ CIANCONE: Resist that big ‘let down’ on the day after Christmas
Today is the big day. That makes tomorrow a sort of let down — rather like “What have you done for me lately?”
-
LIZ CIANCONE: No thanks to getting mags delivered via the Internet
I am a creature of habit. I like to know what I’m doing and I need to know how to do it. That’s why I am annoyed when corporate America seems determined to drag me, kicking and screaming into the age of Internet.
-
LIZ CIANCONE: Everyone has a favorite holiday
I suppose everyone has a favorite holiday. My guess is that, for most of us, that holiday is Christmas. It's a holiday with a miracle no matter how old we get.
-
LIZ CIANCONE: Christmas season puts time back into focus
It’s a funny thing about time. It can speed along so that you cannot believe that your kids can possibly be old enough to have good sense, or it can drag its heels while you wait for that first grandchild or while you are saving up for something really special.
-
LIZ CIANCONE: The bottom line is what drives ‘Black Friday’ sales
Why is it called "Black Friday"?
-
LIZ CIANCONE: Have we lost the meaning of holiday?
I’ve been considering a lost-and-found ad to see if anyone knows what’s happened to Thanksgiving.
-
LIZ CIANCONE: Magic is always there with live theater
I’m a pushover for live theater. But movies? Not so much. For me it’s like the difference between canned peas and those picked fresh from the garden. Movies even COME in cans.
-
LIZ CIANCONE: Maybe the Cubs will win it all next year
I was relieved to have the World Series ending before the snow flies. Heck, it didn’t even last into November this year.
-
LIZ CIANCONE: Holiday decorating better when personal, simple
I fear that I am becoming an old poop!
-
LIZ CIANCONE: Surprises from mail worth the extra penny
I understand that the cost of pursuing my hobby will be going up by a penny come the year 2013.
-
LIZ CIANCONE: No pet costumes for this Halloween
Ed and I were old enough to know better, but we got our laughs in a rather cruel way. We caused Lady, the family collie, a lot of chagrin by dressing her up in “people clothes.”
- More Liz Ciancone Headlines
-
LIZ CIANCONE: Courts see a different appearance than cops
Coffee Run Leads to Hatchet Hitchhiker Arrest
Probe Begins After Conn. Commuter Trains Crash
NTSB Begins Investigation Into Conn. Train Crash
Conn. Commuter Trains Collide; 60 Go to Hospital
Lotto Fever Sweeps the Country
Fmr. IRS Head Insists No Politics in Targeting
Raw: Driver Ejected From Truck, Over Bridge
Raw: Gun Scare Mars Cannes Film Festival
NM Mom Chases Down Child Abductor
Raw: Germany Protestors Picket Barbie House
Raw: Suicide Bomber Kills 2 Americans, 13 Others
CDC: Fecal Bacteria Common in Swimming Pools
Raw: Texas Gov. Flies Over Tornado Damage
China, Others Want What's Under the Arctic Ice
Raw: 6 Die in Russian Ship Fire
One Million Evacuated As Cyclone Hits Bangladesh
Raw: Crash Sends Car Into Fla. Pool
$1 Million in Jewels Stolen at Cannes Film Fest
Dying Man's Blinks Lead to Murder Conviction
Raw: Pope Frees Doves From Cage
Twiggy, the Water Skiing Squirrel
Sailor Surprises His Mom At Her CU Denver Graduation Ceremony
Official: ‘Amazing’ No One Was Killed In CT Train Crash
Coffee Stop Leads To Arrest Of YouTube Sensation Wanted For Murder
Bearded Dragon Reunited With Owner
Marine Reunited with Warzone Companion
Beyonce Is Pregnant!
SF baseball player overpaid $500,000 RETURNS money -- and team says KEEP IT
Dad returns from Afghanistan, surprises family during Rays' first pitch
See Jennifer Lopez's New $10m Hamptons Mansion
Woman tricked into taking abortion pill
Emma Watson Goes Pantless
IRS scandal: Republicans seek to tie Obama to agency's woes
Play of the Day: Flipping to Safety
Pregnant Kim Kardashian Squeezes Her Swollen Feet Into Stilettos
Top Videos of the Week: Angry Taco Bell Guy, Glacier Moves on House, Dog Hates Baths
Cindy Crawford Stuns At Cannes
