Courtesy is more than knowing what fork to use and when. It is more than saying please and thank you. I am sure that you would agree that courtesy is a state of mind. Courtesy reveals the regard that the courteous person has for other people.
Good manners extend to the use of our mind. These rules of courtesy are unwritten but, nevertheless, you will recognize these rules. In this column, we will first consider how various uses of memory are seen as courteous or discourteous. Second, we will note that certain kinds of information must be remembered or a person will be seen by others as rude. Third, we will consider how faking what one remembers — if de-tected — will be seen as impolite.
Memory and Politeness
Memory failures consist of when we forget something or when we remember something incorrectly. As a general rule, if nothing important hinges on what a person recalls, then it is best to ignore his or her memory errors. A corollary of this rule is that if we criticize a person for forgetting entirely or remembering something incorrectly, that person’s memory may be better than we think. That person may remember our criticism and promptly criticize us when our memory fails. One more general rule: a person should be especially forgiving of memory errors of one’s significant other, good friends, parents and grandparents. As to children, that is another matter.
When someone cannot remember something, we have him or her right in our sights. We can choose to laugh or needle them about their bad memory. ”You airhead. Your mind is like a sieve.” If someone points out to another person that he or she forgot what was just said, this other person may feel embarrassed. But what is the point of harassing someone for forgetting when we know we do the same thing on occasion?
Sometimes we notice that what someone remembers is inaccurate. Unless the accuracy of what someone remembers is crucial for work or some activity away from work, correction is unnecessary. If a correction is necessary, it is best to do it politely. Instead of saying “you idiot” (dumbbell, nincompoop, or other terms that I would never use), it is preferable to say something like “you meant … didn’t you?”
Sometimes a person will recall something to us that he or she has recalled to us on several occasions. As they begin recalling their story, we have a choice. We can stop them right in their tracks and avoid having to hear the story one more time. ”Oh no, you are not going to tell me that story again.” Or, we can decide to let the person go on and finish their story. Generally, it is best to grin and bear it.
If we do say “oh no, not that story again,” others may see us as cruel and resolve to humble us when the opportunity arises (and it will). When we recognize that we are going to hear about when this person was called to the principal’s office in sixth grade, it may be better to be courteous and hear that story one more time. Consider that you probably recall one of your favorite stories more than once to others without realizing you are telling someone something you have told them before. You may think that you never recall a story more than once to others. However, you may think this because your friends or family are courteous and have never told you.
Others can see what we do or do not remember as polite or impolite. In general, remembering what others have said to us is considered polite. I am sure you know that is not flattering to doze while in a conversation with someone. If someone interrupts you, you are expected to remember what was being said before the interruption. It is courteous to pick up where you left off once the interruption is over. When we don’t remember what someone was just saying or after an interruption, our listening may appear to be insincere.
Behavior can also appear courteous or discourteous. If someone asks us to pass the salt and we do not because we were engrossed in what someone was saying, our failure to remember to pass the salt will be regarded as impolite. Forgetting to kiss your significant other when it is expected will be seen as very rude by him or her.
Memory for Specific Kinds of information
Certain salient information and experiences are usually remembered. For example, memory for names is important to courtesy. Forgetting someone’s name is considered rude. It also is impolite to not remember what others are good at. It is rude as well to recall another person’s failures. When this occurs, it is a sign one dislikes the person whose failures that one just recalled. Remembering our obligations is a matter of courtesy. It is impolite to forget expectations that others have for us. For example, it is not uncommon for people who live together to make pacts about memory tasks. ”You wash and I’ll dry.” “You pick up the dry-cleaning and I will pick up the milk.” The other person in the pact will see forgetting one’s part of a pact as rude.
Fake Memory
Memory contrivances seek to exploit others. Memory contrivances are lies that people make about the memory failures or successes of others in order to get something they want. Telling someone that his or her memory is terrible is rude, even if we believe it to be true.
Telling someone that his or her memory is great is impolite as well if you and that person knows that this is not true. Saying that someone’s memory is great when this is not true may sound like an indirect way of saying the person’s memory is poor.
A Sharper Mind
February 7, 2007
A Sharper Mind: As matter of courtesy, don’t be caught faking memory
- A Sharper Mind
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- A Sharper Mind: As matter of courtesy, don’t be caught faking memory Courtesy is more than knowing what fork to use and when.
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